3.24.2007

My Motherhood

Before I left,
Things seemed so Ideal,
Stay at home mom, two girls,
Living in Brasil

Its real alright,
Moments are good, moments are great,
Moments just are…
Moments burn bright,
First crawls, first teeth, first steps,
Breastfeeding throughout the night.

Ideal, real, right, bright
Words falling on trembling lips
Trapped, smothered,
Coming to terms with motherhoods grips.

Before I left,
I couldn’t wait to be free,
Free of work, TV, the news, the war.
I couldn’t wait to be free,
To stay at home, to just be me.

Then I left,
Two flights, two days,
Traveling with two babes.
My husband there,
But mom is all they see,
Comforting arms, breasts of milk.
Yes, I’m free to be me.

Where is “me”?
Lost in the smell of stale milk,
Desitin and pee.
Lost in the simple tasks of
cleaning butts and spit-ups.
Lost in motherhood.

Before I left,
I read all I could,
Virtues from stay at home moms.
Before I left,
I couldn’t see enough
To read their subtext.

Crying, clinging, pinching, screaming,
Cooking, scrubbing, counting 1-2-3
Kisses to hubby who’s off to work,
Oh, to be free.

No car, no TV, no escape from reality.
Humid air in my lungs, hot nights, dirt roads,
And foreign tongues.

I escape to the toilet,
A delicious moment to myself.
The New Yorker I quickly grab from the shelf,
First line of Talk of the Town,
And four eyes are staring me down.
The infant between my legs,
The toddler shouting, where’s my eggs!
Oh to be free, Oh to be me.

Moments are good, moments are great,
Moments just are…
Moments burn bright,
Milk teeth smiling, lips vigorously sucking,
Eyes shining in the night.

Motherhood: childhood relived.
Motherhood: I so misunderstood.

Great, Bright, smiles in the night.
Words falling on smiling lips,
Trapped, smothered,
Coming to terms with motherhoods grips.

3.13.2007

Hope in Healing

When Matthew ran across the street to get fabric softener from the Mercado, he noticed a cup full of something writhing in a cup. The Mercado owner, Valdir, held up the cup and Matthew took a closer look. “The first thing I saw was red peanuts pods and then black beetles swarming the nuts.” Matthew reported to me. They were small, pea-sized, beetles, (ulomoides dermestoides) munching on peanuts. “It’s a remedy“, Valdir explained, “throw seven in the blender with Nescau (powdered chocolate ) and it will cure asthma”. You can’t buy these “Magic Beetles”, they have to be given to you in order for their magic to work. After doing a simple Google search I found that the beetle’s excretions are said to strengthen body defenses against cancer, asthma, diabetes and even AIDS, as well as, increase sex drive. This sounds too good to be true, but, in a region where money is scarce, and trips to the doctor are even scarcer, hope looms large.

In 2003 Wall Street Journal writer, Matt Moffett, traveled down to Argentina to see about this, as he puts it, “Beetlemania“. He found testimony after testimony regarding the magical properties of these tiny six legged creatures. He traveled to the northern city of Parana where he heard of a church that was distributing the beetles to its parishioners. Pastor Antonio Orlando Mattiassi, of the Church of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, became interested in the beetle in 2001 after hearing about a man cured of esophageal cancer. The church bulletin noted the beetles as “a gift from God…especially for the poorest who can’t afford expensive medicines”. Here in Rio Branco, magical forces are often said to be behind ailments and remedies to cure such ailments are often given out freely. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that we have contracted “evil eye” from jealous onlookers. And after battling cold after cold, the girls and I have taken to wearing a red ribbon around our wrists to ward off this evil.

As many of you know, or don’t know, I suffer from mild asthma. So when remedies are presented I am eager to be unchained from my inhalers once and for all. I’m not really excited about the prospect of munching these little critters, especially when I’m supposed to munch about a dozen or so a day ( some eat as many as 70 a day!). But hey, I am living in the Amazon right? That guarantees eating a beetle or two or ten.