My Motherhood

Before I left,
Things seemed so Ideal,
Stay at home mom, two girls,
Living in Brasil

Its real alright,
Moments are good, moments are great,
Moments just are…
Moments burn bright,
First crawls, first teeth, first steps,
Breastfeeding throughout the night.

Ideal, real, right, bright
Words falling on trembling lips
Trapped, smothered,
Coming to terms with motherhoods grips.

Before I left,
I couldn’t wait to be free,
Free of work, TV, the news, the war.
I couldn’t wait to be free,
To stay at home, to just be me.

Then I left,
Two flights, two days,
Traveling with two babes.
My husband there,
But mom is all they see,
Comforting arms, breasts of milk.
Yes, I’m free to be me.

Where is “me”?
Lost in the smell of stale milk,
Desitin and pee.
Lost in the simple tasks of
cleaning butts and spit-ups.
Lost in motherhood.

Before I left,
I read all I could,
Virtues from stay at home moms.
Before I left,
I couldn’t see enough
To read their subtext.

Crying, clinging, pinching, screaming,
Cooking, scrubbing, counting 1-2-3
Kisses to hubby who’s off to work,
Oh, to be free.

No car, no TV, no escape from reality.
Humid air in my lungs, hot nights, dirt roads,
And foreign tongues.

I escape to the toilet,
A delicious moment to myself.
The New Yorker I quickly grab from the shelf,
First line of Talk of the Town,
And four eyes are staring me down.
The infant between my legs,
The toddler shouting, where’s my eggs!
Oh to be free, Oh to be me.

Moments are good, moments are great,
Moments just are…
Moments burn bright,
Milk teeth smiling, lips vigorously sucking,
Eyes shining in the night.

Motherhood: childhood relived.
Motherhood: I so misunderstood.

Great, Bright, smiles in the night.
Words falling on smiling lips,
Trapped, smothered,
Coming to terms with motherhoods grips.